#unlike everyone else in my family.
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//I am on about three hours of sleep, so going nibble something for a bit and try and pass out again.
#out of beasts#mom had deal with me being wide awake as she got ready for work.#and man did she quickly learn i wasn't lying about being awake.#i dont think she got sassed so hard at 5am in a while.#luckily she takes well to my sassing so i get to do it.#unlike everyone else in my family.#mom: we had strogonoff a few weeks again.#me: we did? i dont remember.#mom: check your phone you might find pictures. though may not be appealing being its mostly gray.#me: your gray!#mom: ....i have nothing to say to that for once.#me: NO ONE INSULTS MY STROGONOFF!#mom: omg.
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I had been worried that cutting my dad off and distancing myself from him would put me in a difficult position with his side of the family but I've actually reconnected with a couple family members over how shitty he's been and it turns out I'm not the first one to stop talking to him, he's been blocked by like two of my aunts And my cousin
#my cousin texted me out of nowhere yesterday and we've been chatting which has been really nice#and I asked her like btw did my dad send you to talk to me and shes like oh God no I haven't talked to him since he got drunk and rampaged#and I was like oh which time and she's like the one a couple months ago and I was like ayy me too lmao#so! turns out the only person who is straining and breaking familial relationships is him 🤔#not that he'll ever see the pattern that his sister and aunt and two of his nieces AND his ex wife/baby mama AND his own kid#have told him to get his shit together and stop being an asshole to everyone#but yknow#if he stopped drinking it'd solve 25% of his problems and therapy would solve another 50%#but he refuses to stop drinking or listen to anyone but other brainwashed trumpheads so! fuck 'im#dad mention#alcohol mentioned#anyway. feeling better about my choice to stop talking to him#he went off on my mom today and called her a lot of horrible things and accused her of leading him on#when she has actively been telling him since they got divorced TEN YEARS AGO that nothing is ever happening w them again#but since he doesn't listen to her he didn't hear it and just dug his pity party hole deeper#anyway. back to my night having a nice time and having a good relationship with basically everyone else in my family#unlike some people 🍵 🐸
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Chewing on my thoughts like a feral dog because I'm running on like three hours of sleep and the brain be tornadoing, but like!!! Lewin and Renzou being opposite sides of the same coin or whatever. So similar in their inability to relate to other people, and yet Lewin being incapable of disliking himself over it because, despite everything Osceola taught him and knowing there's something wrong and different about him, he is unbothered by it. He accepts his deficits for what they are, violence and all. He knows he's off compared to everyone else, but that's just how it is. It's not a big deal. He makes due.
And then there's Renzou who grew up loved and isn't violent, doesn't really have those urges or curiosities, but he knows something's wrong with him, something that separates him from everyone else around him and it makes him hate himself and he gets mad about that too because it's not like he's hurting anyone so why is he so mad about it? Why does he care so much? Why does he want to fit in with his family? They fucking suck! But they love and care about each other and he doesn't and it drives him up the wall because their lives are the same, so why is he the only one who's broken?
#lewin who knows he's heartless and is fine with it versus renzou who knows he's heartless and wants to smash his head into a wall about it#renzou shima#aspd!shima#lewin light#happy talks blue exorcist#lewin who does not perceive himself as broken and renzou who can do nothing else but perceive himself as broken#like lewin is ares. viciousness and bloodlust. renzou is hermes. quick and sneaky.#im biting them both and screaming like come on come on come on#quickly reviewing chapters in between writing reports and like. lewin is so fascinating#because he clearly relies on other people to help make up for what he lacks. he has a strong sense of morality but is indifferent to ethics#and so osceola provided that (re: telling him to value life) and ryuuji also steps in when he goes too far (re: the whole thing with misumi#but renzou can't rely on people. everyone he grew up with is bound by a sense of duty that he does not understand and despises#so he cannot connect with them and cannot rely on them to provide moral or ethical structure#he gets away with it because unlike lewin he is not overtly violent. lewin is like a classic example of aspd. the stereotype#but renzou isn't. he doesnt start fights hes not aggressive hes not cruel. but hes a manipulative little shit#homare even says he has a sharp tongue#i guess its funny because lewin's lack of social skills protects him from any sense of internal despite#but for renzou understanding theze things just further exposes how different he is from everyone else which only fuels his distress#rereading his little talks with ryuuji and koneko very much stand out to me when viewing it through this kinda lens#because he is trying to open up to them. possibly for the first time. but both fail to understand#ryuuji is too focused on the lingering betrayal of renzou being a spy behind his back and koneko is too focused on his potential#sort of in the same way his family is. no one treats him with any seriousness as they all joke that he's bad at it and is going to die#he tried to open up and connect but they are so used to the mask he wears they can't not see it on him even if he's not wearing it#they don't see that he's good at it. he was successful for months. he was still successful even after they found out!#for all they complain that they can't truly trust him anymore it's the final battle and they all do anyway 😂#ahhhh i love this hc so much im gonna think about it for weeks until i move onto the next thing that tornadoes my brain lol
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sorry i’m still thinking about that art i reblogged literally a week ago of magnus and the twins cuddling. we all know that it would feel so warm and nice to be cuddled up to magnus and wrapped up safely in his huge arms but have we considered that maybe when magnus is snuggled in between the twins he feels loved and wanted and like part of a family. how about that. because they trust him and love him and all he ever wants is for his loved ones to know he’ll keep them safe. they mean so much to each other. crying again
#one of my favorite highly specific ‘tropes’ is the twins allowing another starblaster crewmember into their space (& cuddling)#cause like its one thing to form an unlikely friendship with someone else who’s lonely after the end of the world#its another to have people who are already a pair and already have each other and don’t need to reach out at all reaching out anyway#because they love you enough to want you around and invite you into their family#i’ve written this abt barry and i’ve written it abt lucretia and i’m sort of in the process of writing it for davenport#augh….. everyone on that damn ship loves each other….#mine#magnus#the twins
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Hands of hips looking down shaking my head I don't know how to sugarcoat this so I won't but signs is so much better than nope. I don't know how people even say the movie aged bad. I think the feelings they have for the director cloud their view (I don't even know how either of his names). You got a 1:30hs movie vs a 2hs movie (I'm cutting the 10 minutes of credit for both) where in one you are never bored and are gripped by emotions and the other where you sit waiting for anything to happen. Like I'm sorry but there's no fight here. Hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby.
#luly talks#like i never questioned a thing ppl did during i got dizzy#holy fuck#um. fuck was i saying thst was a lot um#ah yeah. no aside from jupe everyone else is weak as fuck in nope writing wise. when angel was almodt getting killed i was there like 😐#while i went thru a whole back and froth w Merrill from hating to loving him#signs has a lot of soul. AND A SOLID FUCKING MESSAGE. UNLIKE SOMEONEEE TELLING YOU TO KILL ONE OF A KID NON INVASIVE SPECIES#I'M SO MAD ABOUT WHAT THEY DID TO MY GIRL#AT LEAST THE ONE ALIEN THEY KILLED IN SIGNS WAS LIKE. *ONE*.#the rest of his kind just fucked off and also he was a PETTY ASSHOLE#so you know it's justified. bc whah they did in nope wasn't#im so mad i dont wanna be mad i wanna be happy thinking of a family who is shown to deeply love each other#nope wishes.#also the later has nothing scary at all like. it's a bit uncomfortable but 2002 alien man had me jumping in place screaming man.#saw a shadow outside its the fucking birthday alien coming to. touch my neck with his fingers or something.#last time this happened was when i watched the first evil desf#and before that it was the second coming#thah one fucked me up good#the bigger public is just wrong about horror movies but i get it. i get it like no one gets it.
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Also I never knew that there was even a single color photograph of my grandparents' wedding in 1952. I've only ever seen the ones in black and white. Don't they look beautiful? Didn't I just come from the most gorgeous people?
#i love how you can actually see my grandfather's red hair#as a redhead i know the injustice that black and white does to us... alas!#my charcoal self-portraits always look unlike myself to me because im like i have red hair. this doesnt look like a redhead#this isnt me#also even though it's a white dress. grammy's dress looks so much more beautiful surrounded by color#wow#tales from diana#did you know i never knew my grandmother was a local beauty queen when she was younger until after she died?#when her dementia got to the stage where she needed a live-in nurse to help her all the time#at one point my aunt rediscovered a picture from when she was about. 17. i posted it years ago#she scanned it and had it cropped and framed and left it in the front of the living room#the first time the nurse saw that photo (i was there) she said 'DAAAAMN MOM IS THAT YOU?'#and grammy was like 'oh :) yes thats me'#like it was nothing and then later on the nurse said 'i know you already said it but damn i just cant stop looking at you!'#that nurse was really nice. really really nice.#the priest at the wake when saying a prayer for the family before everyone else started ushering in#mentioned what a beauty my grandmother was and what a lovely couple the two of them were.#they went to that local church for about 60 years so he mustve known them for decades. it was a nice touch.
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unpopular opinion takasugi is boring esp after the shogun assasination arc im sorry i just dont like him
#bro has NOTHING he has NOTHING going on im tired of pretending hes deep#he was supposed to die in shogun assasination . i gotta live my truth#after all that arc was supposed tp be the last one but then they stretched it out#if he died there i wouldve been chiller with him but bro is STILL alive and the utsuro thing is just. weird#i dont think he really makes sense#like everybody else DOES which is what gets me#anyway i dont like to complain bc out of ALL OF THE BULL i have suffered as shonen watcher this is nothing#but i go into the tag and its all “ooh takasugi takasugi we all love takasugi” im sooooo tired of this guy please can we talk about anyone#can we talk about like. kagura. hijikata. gintoki???? shinpachi??? kaguras family??? KATSURA??? please please im begging yalll pleaseeeee#tbf its like the same three poeple in there i didnt realize that the fandom was so small but STILL#like. no hate to anyone that likes him but personally i find him both boring and inconsistent as a character....sorry...#it gets me especially because literally everyone else is . really interesting? except him?#if everyone else was not rlly THAT interesting and takasugi remained the same i dont think i'd mind so much but like.#sorry im just like............hmm............#maybe ill watch him die and i'll be all “oh nooooo taksugi nooo” but like. thats highly unlikely#sorry did not mean to rant so much but like...........hes so overrated ugh#he doesnt even have cool sword powers or cool outfit or even something gross going on. hes not even a little freak hes too normie
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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so it's been pouring rain lately and mellie has been pretty unhappy at being stuck inside (though she's not much happier when she gets a few minutes outside on the porch in the damp air, either).
and apparently our beloved future-adoptee sebastian is pretty unhappy about living outside in that weather, because he followed me in at dinnertime, went past mellie and straight to my room, where after some light bullying on her part, leander found them like this:
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they’re still there. i’ll have to spray my bed down for fleas later just to be safe, but it is so totally worth it. i love bash so much. :D
#look at our cat kids! <3#the only reasons bash isn't officially adopted yet are because we don't have the room for 3 cats and bailey is bonded to him#and because unlike mellie he is a truly feral cat so i wanted him to slowly get more comfortable with us#and considering this is the second time he's made himself at home on my bed#and the second time he's decide to come in and stay a long time (one night he settled on the couch while everyone else was asleep)#i think it's been a good strategy for easing him in#most nights he steps into our foyer then immediately goes back out until i'm done feeding the outdoor cats#but these occasional instances are just delightful since he's a part of our family too and just isn't ready to live inside yet#oh cats#mellie bear who adopted leander#sebastian the beautiful bby who adopted me#life stuff
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So, admissions didn't exactly go the way I wanted - I am excited about the offer I got, and it's a great school that my professor wouldn't have recommended if he didn't think it was a good program. But I applied to a lot of the top-tier "name brand" programs - some of which I was really excited about - and the closest I got to them was one MA admission. And that's a little bit of a hard pill to swallow when you're a privileged fuck who's had your family talking about how you'll do great things your whole life.
Fast forward to today, I'm watching a movie where the main character doesn't get into the top school she applied to and has a hard time with it. Texted my friends to joke that watching this was a bad idea. And I get back "I'm watching [some guy]'s tour of England and he stops in Cambridge. I think it's just now sinking in." Because my friend got into an MPhil at Cambridge.
I love my friend. And obviously I don't want her to suppress her joy about her amazing accomplishment. But goddamn lady, have some tact? 😂
#I'm fine#I'll get over it at some point#and the school i got into is actually a family tradition so that's neat#and i was almost as excited about it as i was about the name brand programs#it's just a bit of a blow to my ego#and the fact that my friend is celebrating getting into one of the best programs on earth is clashing with that#Also can we talk about how people having too much confidence in you can fuck you up too?#like obviously I'm very lucky to have a supportive family#my friend keeps talking about how no one thought she'd amount to much and of course I'm lucky that everyone was convinced i would#but now i haven't really. i have amounted to pretty average.#so instead of focusing on how i got in somewhere and I can spend five years doing what i love#I'm debating going to the MA program that sounds pretty cool but is wicked expensive#and means I'd have to reapply either this year or the year after#because I'm supposed to be perfect#and to be clear i do feel like a heinous and unlikeable snob for feeling this way.#i am aware that whining about getting into a PhD program because it isn't name brand is ridiculous#and god knows i feel bad talking about feeling like I'm worth less#like I'd never ever hold anyone else to this standard because everyone else is an excellent well rounded individual who's amazing#and has so much inherent worth regardless of what any institution says#but you see I am a very boring academia worm who has to be the best#because if someone else is the runner up that means we both have value#if I'm the runner up they have value and I'm utterly worthless#i am in therapy for this for the record#I'm working on it it's just a consistent and known problem with the way my brain works
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[image description: "you just die #fear is the mind killer, boomers have... a lot of fear #a lot of fear and hurt that they don't examine or know how to examine and it bleeds through #something something 'it all traces back to trauma' #it... we talk about this a lot" end ID]
I mean, we knew, but it's nice to hear so succinctly
#yesss Eastern European perspectives!#our world was/is falling apart repeatedly & further reinforcing maladaptive thought patterns#my grandparents were born in the 1910s and my parents in the 1940s#so chronologically: childhood trauma of WW1 in the 10s; young adult trauma of interwar Poland; WW2 and camps and resistance#then years of postwar Stalinism with its witch hunt for wrongthink that instilled an even stronger need for secrecy and self-reliance#then things were looking slightly up but after March 1968 a lot of people suddenly became too Jewish to keep their jobs/stay in .pl#/then/ Gierek started taking loans from capitalist countries due to shortages of food and p much everything else#now we're getting to the 80s with the threat of russian invasion if gov.pl didn't suppress worker protests ->#secrecy and self-reliance coming in handy again; my family taught me those as a small child#and then the gradual weakening of the Soviet bloc culminating in the events of 1989#[the process was pretty peaceful out here unlike in the Balkans forex - we don't have this additional layer of war trauma & distrust]#THEN shiny new capitalism: sink or swim because the new gov.pl won't bail you out you lazy postcommunist parasites#workplaces folding; public transport cuts; vulnerable populations going hungry again; dismantling of support systems#other end of the spectrum: abundance if you could afford it: no more rationing; exotic fruit in stores year-round; internet; opportunities#my family managed to stay afloat; Poland joined the EU in the early 2000s and people could work abroad legally#[not immediately ofc; a few western countries deferred it by a few years to protect their job markets from filthy postcommie migrants]#then in 2015 the exchange rate on the foreign currency people liked to take out loans in skyrocketed basically overnight#then 8 years of rule of religious nationalist xenophobic insular politicians#then covid#then full-scale invasion of our neighbor Ukraine by an empire our nations have feared/been impacted by for centuries#and now the impact of climate change is getting impossible to ignore even for professional denialists#that's decades of being traumatized and retraumatized and picking up the pieces#like. all of us in EE have really solid reasons to be fucked up and traumatized#the <1960 generations and the >2000 generations and everyone in between#as access to knowledge/education [even if superficial] is vastly easier now...#we actually notice this trauma and fucked-upness instead of internalizing it resignedly like 'oh well life is supposed to be shit'#ugh#why must we live in interesting times
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i hate it when people bully people less smart than they are. but i HATE it when people bully people less smart than i am on my behalf.
#fuck all of you im not even kidding#the other day#my math teacher was teaching me separately some harder material after i finished my classwork for that day#she said “you like to think. unlike *gestures at the rest of the class*”#i swear i nearly fucking punched her#i lost every drop of respect id had for her as a teacher in that moment#i know why im ahead. and its not bc everyone else is stupid or lazy.#im ahead bc i was very fucking lucky#i have more than enough free time to dedicate to schoolwork and i had a fucking fantastic education before high school#you know why?#bc i come from a family that could AFFORD that!#i know this bc ive spoken with and watched my classmates#i know whats up. its not their fault.#they have to babysit their siblings instead of doing homework. they have to work instead of study for the tests.#they were educated by a fucked up american school system#i am very privileged to be as ahead of the curve as i am this was not my own doing#even if it was due to my own innate capabalities it would STILL suck!#if this was because of some kind of natural talent that cant be taught i think the teachers behavior would be even worse!#i PERSONALLY know people who struggle in school bc of adhd and dyslexia and autism and other learning disabilities#its not THEIR fault and they shouldnt be fucking BLAMED for it#maybe you should cut out the making fun of stupid people please#i have infinitely more respect for a kind idiot than for an asshole genius#three pigeons in a trench coat
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This should be the anthem for bitches that have been on tumblr since before middle school
#yes I hate James get off my back unless you're gonna unlike all of the Jackson 5 songs you still listen to#these lyrics hit so hard....#I'm just remembering all of the people who convinced me they loved me and that they were gonna be the one to stay#wether it be a friend or a lover#also: I have no family they cut us off for various reasons#but the core? I'm autistic and they couldn't handle it......#or we had to cut off family.....my mom#I'm just so painfully lonely I don't want anyone else to leave me :(#I know eventually that everyone is gonna leave and I can't take it#for autistics change is the fucking worst....#and that's all my life is change after change after change#people leaving me over and over and over again#I have dreams of romance and family and happiness....it's just in my head#i realized I've only been living in my head :(#now I'm 25 and a useless sack of shit...I can't do anything I'm supposed to.......#I just wanna die I can't deal with everything why can't I just be put to rest#I can't watch more people leave me and die and leave and leave and leave and leave#Spotify
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♡ not only is rafe cameron your mortal enemy, but he’s also, unknowingly, your nsfw tumblr mutual??
warnings: mean!rafe, enemies to ???, sexting, dirty talk, sending and receiving of nudes, mentions of death, very light angst, mentions of social status, insults used as flirting loll, small time skip
a/n: this is sorta canon, only in the sense that ward is dead and rose is off somewhere with wheezie. i might just make this a mini series, let me know what you think <3
link: mini series masterlist
wc: 1.8k
rafe hated you.
maybe not all of you, because in his eyes, along with everyone else’s.. you were hot as shit. there was no denying that. your bitchy attitude not only amused rafe more than half the time, but it turned him on too. he’d watch you from a distance as you cleared the couch for you and your friends to sit on with a single glance, everyone making way for you like you were some kind of princess. which you clearly were, he just couldn’t understand why.
why did you turn him on so much? his best bet was because while everyone bent to his will, he knew that you’d never even spare him the time of day, and if you did it was because he had to work for every single ounce of your attention. no one else on this island would ever make him do that, no one on this island wouldn’t dare challenge him, but you? he’d take your bossiness and catty remarks any day.
the real question is; why did he hate you at the same time?
for starters; you had your family. your picture perfect mommy and daddy were plastered on every single newspaper in both the island and the mainland, the two of them getting praised for their line of successful businesses and work ambition. you were the only child, which was something rafe fantasized about being when his dad was still here. it irritated him that you had all of the attention and recognition that he never had. he felt even worse about it because unlike him, you didn’t even have to do anything in order to get praise and appreciation from your parents. you just got it for simply existing.
rafe on the other hand was nothing but a disappointment to ward when he went above and beyond just to get nothing, not even a single ‘i’m proud of you, son.’ before his dad up and died. rafe was already fueled by rage, but now? now that he had an entire island looking at down on him everywhere he went with false pity? he was out for blood. getting in meaningless fights, purposely doing stupid things that he knew he’d get hurt doing just to feel something.
he grew reckless and raised hell in every establishment and party he attended, figuring there was no use in keeping the family name squeaky clean with a good reputation when he technically didn’t have any family anymore. rose took wheezie and dipped as soon as rafe got tanneyhill and his hefty inheritance, and sarah decided to leave the island altogether and live her own life in god knows where.
everyone left him.
rafe was simply just a bystander now, an observer, and you had it all. the popularity, the socialite status, the family, the friends, the list could go on. it wasn’t long before he had to find some kind of outlet; something where he could express things and share thoughts to an audience that didn’t know him.. little did he know, you had also seeked out the same thing.
your distaste for rafe came about once you heard he was going around the island calling you a ‘spoiled little brat’ and a ‘prissy bitch’ whenever your name came up in conversations. obviously, what he said was true, but who was he to speak about you? he didn’t even know you. “call me a bitch to my face next time, ‘cameron. i hate pussies.” you had went up to him in the midst of him having a conversation with topper, a smirk playing on his lips as he watched the way your hips swayed when you walked away, your mini dress paired with those heels of yours had him tonguing the inside of his cheek.
“did she just bitch you out, bro?” topper looked genuinely shocked as rafe laughed. “nah, she’s flirting.” from then on, you two would shamelessly stare at each other from across the room, keeping your eyes locked on one another even while you had people at your side who were more than interested in taking you home. rafe would pass by, muttering an insult just loud enough for you to hear and you’d laugh, dismissing him as if he was nothing but a fly on the wall.
you’d be lying if you said the so called ‘princess’ treatment didn’t get old after a while. rafe was the only person who seemingly didn’t care about your feelings. and you liked it. naturally, you craved something different, something that no one out here in the real world had the guts to do— degrade you and make you feel small. like you were nothing. turning to the only thing you could in order to keep your anonymity, you made a tumblr blog, easily racking up followers by posting your deepest and darkest desires and fantasies.
not even your best friends knew this side of you. you could be as depraved as you wanted to be on the app, and even if the whole point in you making your blog was to be anonymous, you still posted your own photos on there. of course your face wouldn’t be showing in any of them, but reading the comments as they flooded in filled the void you didn’t realize was there to begin with. a particular user, however, always left comments on your posts that had your thighs rubbing together.
it wasn’t long before you decided to check out his account, deciding to follow him back once you read through some of his posts. truthfully, you were the only girl he followed on the platform, he couldn’t help but feel like a lot of other accounts were ran by robots. you actually interacted with people on your blog, you had a personality. when he got the notification that you followed him back, he wasted no time in sending you a message.
[10:01 PM] countryclub: wsp
[10:15 PM] brattydiaries: ew.
[10:16 PM] countryclub: ???
[10:16 PM] countryclub: i just want to talk to you.
[10:25 PM] brattydiaries: yeah i can see that lol
[10:26 PM] brattydiaries: ‘wsp’ is so icky though. it kinda gives me high schooler vibes
‘high schooler vibes’ rafe snorted when he read your reply, internally cringing as he read back his previous message. you had a point.
[10:28 PM] countryclub: can i start over?
[10:30 PM] brattydiaries: can you?
[10:31 PM] countryclub: may i?
you smiled when he corrected himself.
[10:33 PM] brattydiaries: ugh i guess..
[10:38 PM] countryclub: 1 attachment
[10:38 PM] countryclub: hey i cum to your pictures all the time. here’s a picture of my cock and the mess you made me make.
usually you’d immediately block when an unsolicited dick pic found its way to your dm’s, but this one was unlike any others you’ve received.
your jaw was on the floor.
this wasn’t the ordinary ‘no-effort’ kind of picture. he wasn’t obnoxiously holding his length as if he was presenting it to you, instead he had his fist wrapped around the base, his aching tip standing on its own as his cum adorned his abs. his skin was also glistening with a thin sheen of sweat, your chest blooming with pride as you realized just how much your blog riled him up. he was very well groomed, the underside of his cock slick with the aftermath of your most recent photos.
this was just different. you felt your bitchy resolve crumbling down with every second you stared at the details, the sight of the veins in his arms and hands had you pulling your bottom lip between your teeth, your brain going blank as you tried to come up with a response.
[10:50 PM] countryclub: you done being a bitch and acting like i’m not good enough to talk to you? or do i have to send you more pictures of what you do to me?
yeah. you were totally fucked.
from that point forward, you two sexted day and night, your phone basically living in your hands as you went about your everyday life. soon, all of your posts became about him, both you and rafe seemingly dancing circles around each other. while you two lived for pissing each other off and did everything to be a nuisance to one another in real life, you were actually, literally getting each other off behind the screen.
you were surprising him with photos throughout the day, his dirty talk making you fall asleep with a sticky mess between your thighs. it was only a matter of time before he started wanting to hear your voice, even going as far as asking for your number so you could call and actually talk to one another. of course, you were hesitant, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t wish to hear those filthy things he says in your messages in your ears instead.
so you agreed. you gave him your number and waited for him to call.. and nothing. for the first time in your life, you waited for a phone call from a man, and he never delivered. your ego was in shambles. even after you came up with excuses as to why he didn’t call, none of them made sense. the next day you woke up to no new messages, your heart clenching in your chest when you went to his profile and saw that he deleted all of his posts.
what the fuck?
deciding to stay off of the app for the time being, you hated how a few months of sexting made you think about him every chance you got.
you didn’t even know his name for crying out loud!
if your friends noticed something off about your attitude, they didn’t point it out. even rafe was more irritable, both of you getting in full on arguments if you two spent too much time together in a social setting. your comebacks would have him on the verge of dragging you out of the room by your hair, wishing so bad that he could just put you in your place. it wasn’t until you got home from another one of topper’s parties that your phone lit up with a message.
from him.
[1:00 AM] countryclub: hey
you scoffed. ‘hey’ that was all that he could say? after all of the time that passed, he could only spare you one fucking word? you were about to block him before you got another notification.
[1:07 AM] countryclub: i’m really sorry for ghosting you, alright? i just freaked out.
[1:09 AM] brattydiaries: you sent me a picture of your dick when we first messaged each other and you’re barely freaking out now? don’t you think we’re far past that point already?
[1:12 AM] countryclub: we definitely are, it’s just when you sent me your number, my heart dropped to my ass.
[1:12 AM] brattydiaries: you asked for it and i gave it to you. i’m confused rn.
[1:14 AM] countryclub: no it isn’t that
[1:15 AM] brattydiaries: then what the fuck is it?
[1:19 AM] countryclub: we have the same area code.
#❤︎₊ ⊹ works#₊˚⊹♡ rafe#₊˚⊹♡ mean!rafe#₊˚⊹♡ bitchy!kook!reader#outer banks#outer banks smut#outer banks fanfiction#outer banks imagine#rafe outer banks#obx#rafe obx#obx smut#obx imagine#obx fanfiction#obx x reader#rafe cameron#rafe cameron smut#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron prompt#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron x you#rafe cameron imagine#rafe fluff#rafe x you#rafe fanfiction#rafe smut#rafe x reader#rafe imagine#drew starkey
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I hate how inconsistent the temperature iOS this time of year. Today the high is like 64 but two days from now they are predicting a high of 80 something. Every morning i have to check the weather to see what I have to do, air conditioning on or off, and when I’m getting out my clothes for the day i have to figure out just how much of the day I’ll be outside. In the morning it will be like 60 something and then at noon it’s like 80. What pants am I supposed to wear like this? And do I need a sweater or will it just be extra bulk in warmer weather? On Monday I was like “oh hell yeah, I can wear my skinny jeans now. And the new ouija board sweater i got at target! And then yesterday it was 75 and i forgot to check the weather so i didn’t turn on the air conditioning or open a window until i noticed it was uncomfortably warm in the afternoon and i had trouble falling asleep because my bedroom (i don’t open the window here very often because i live near train tracks and I’d rather not hear it louder in my bedroom while i try to sleep, and any wind will blow my curtains around and let light in) even with my window open all night while it dipped to around 60 felt too hot, but I refused to use the air conditioner when it was 60 out and nice. I had been using the stove though and that combined with my body heat and the weather warming the small apartment up, I was sweating in my bed and I couldn’t fall asleep. And then! If you sweat a whole lot overnight and your window is open cooling the place down, you’re hit by cold when you remove the blanket. I need to wash shorts and pants and it’s weird. September is always super inconsistent here.
#emma posts#and when i have my window open to the cold I worry about my cactus#I wonder if living on the second floor makes it warmer? heat rises#and when we had that insane cold snap last winter the first floor felt cold enough for a coat indoors m#I think the actual apartments were warmer with the heaters but it was still cold af#I’m surprised my African violet didn’t die#that thing has been through hells and keeps going#is scoffs at any other plants i have that maybe get stressed by watering schedule being changed or temperature dropping a little more than#is comfortable for them#a seasoned veteran who has put up with the strain that is depending on a human with adhd#looking upon the orchid that stopped flowering the moment I forgot to water for a little too long#those violets can live for 80 years and i don’t want to jinx it but i would only be half surprised#if the violet outlived me. it might be a close competition though because the women on my dad’s mom’s side of the family have lived crazy#long lives. at least one got cancer. but unlike her husband she got better#to be fair she had skin cancer and everyone else in that family that got cancer got it way worse#my grandpa lived like two decades longer than the doctors expected when he was diagnosed but towards the end it wasn’t great#so on my dad’s side it’s kinda like. if cancer doesn’t kill you you’ll be old af#unfortunately cancer has gotten several people#I’m half convinced that something the farm was using back in the day was worse than they thought#I don’t know of anything that has actually been proven to cause cancer being used. but it’s weird that it happened four times#maybe it was the aresenic water? it’s filtered now but no one knew the groundwater had it until I was like six or seven
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Wait why were you in israel/palestine? Aren’t you canadian?
I am. A friend of my family was traveling from Egypt to Jerusalem on pilgrimage and someone who had reserved a spot in the group had to drop out, so there was a last-minute seat available and they asked me if I was interested.
Life is short, and it wasn't the sort of trip I'd be able to afford on my own in a million years, so I tagged along as the token agnostic.
And I'm glad I did, because a few months later some of the places we'd visited were leveled flat.
A lot of beautiful, rolling green hillsides are charred dust now, and good, kind people are dead.
Buildings we slept in are gone. Children who waved to us in the street are gone. Small shops and vendors and houses are gone. Old men gathered together to smoke and chat in little rooms by the streetside are gone.
Passing from Israel into Palestine was a visible, abrupt switch from a modern city not unlike Vancouver to a slum. Like some of the reservations I've been to here up north that go to shit sometimes, where the Chief and his family all have brand new BMW's and nobody else has had their plumbing fixed.
Buildings were repaired with minimal supplies, trash was gathered in the streets, and the roads were bare dirt for long stretches at a time. You could tell that this wasn't a place being treated kindly, but people were doing their best. Everyone we met treated us well. Everyone we met was kind, and welcoming, and generous.
One man I spoke with said he was hoping to come to Canada someday. Take his family and live here. He asked how cold it got.
I told him that their winter was like our summer. He didn't like that- said he didn't like being cold.
I told him to wait for summer, then, and he could visit with me. Told him everywhere he'd have to see when he arrived, all the best landmarks and museums.
The first bombs dropped before winter.
I don't know if he waited.
#Sorry#Was going to talk about this trip forever ago#But it didn't feel right#Right time never really came up#Death cw#🍉
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